Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
