About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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