Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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