If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
