Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my shit smells like andre
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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