Define "chronic" masturbator.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize