I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
