guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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