i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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