I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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