Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
