Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
