When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
