Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize