I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
