Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
