i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize