He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize