they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
