I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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