I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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