My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
