dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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