Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
