I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
