She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
