Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize