Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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