when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
