everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
