I want to make a zoo with you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
