Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
its liver damage thursday
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
