dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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