Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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