if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
