New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
