My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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