he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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