I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize