ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
