I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize