just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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