Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
