walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
