Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize