I hate all girls vehemently.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
love makes seman taste better
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize