ya dads aren't the best wingmen
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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