bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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