Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
