Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
