literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
