I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I supernannyed him into submission
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
