Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
