You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
