Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
