He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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