she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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