Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
