Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
