I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
