First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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