i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
