I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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